Intention: Reconcile

Latin reconcilare "to bring together again; regain; win over again, conciliate,”

"The success of a relationship is a function of the extent to which it meets the needs of two people" Dr. Phil

Relationships are not easy, especially when a trust is broken, or an action becomes unforgivable to both parties.

Before we outcast our once beloved to the ranks of a “negative” person and banish them from our lives, it is important to take a considered reality check on how you contributed to the breakdown of the relationship.

What is truly important?

“My children are important” 

 This was my mantra after my marriage breakdown. It was a cornerstone in that it kept me grounded and initially was the motivation for me to continue moving forward through some difficult days. This mantra changed its perspective when I started seeing the effect on my children of not having their father around. They saw bitterness in my attitude when I spoke of him, and despite my insistence that he is free to see them whenever he chose, there was a resistance that came through. My children sensed it, and I feel they felt obligated to pick sides and modify their interactions with both of us so as to not cause further turmoil.

In identifying this I knew without a doubt that I could no longer be insincere with their hearts. So, I started questioning myself and my motives, and this is where the perspective shifted for me and my mantra.

I clarified: If I say that my children are important, that would mean that what is important to them becomes important to me. The obvious stuff is important; their physical health, the need for structure and routine, school, love, and connection to extended family and a sense of security that life will be ok.
I found that there was one key piece that I had not looked at while feeling that I was “handling” it all – and this would be the piece that turned the whole program on its head.
It was an instance where the phone rang, and my daughter answered. I heard her greet her father, and then upon seeing me in the room, she dropped her voice and snuck up the stairs into her bedroom, with the door closed, to speak to her father.

Her actions struck me deeply.  

I wondered in what reality did it ever become acceptable that my child has to hide, or protect her parents from knowing she loved each of them? Since when did the role of the parent become that of my child? Since when did openly expressing love and joy of a parent become something that could be viewed as “taking sides”? I was disgusted at my lack of awareness at first – I cried that my children in their wisdom, whether they were conscious of this or not, became mediators in an arrangement that was not of their doing. I realized that my emotional malaise was blind to the very clear signal that although he was not “there”, he was still very important.

The relationship with their father was the priority over everything else; Money, past disagreements, hurts or agendas were not important.
Huh. That means I have to make it right for my children.

I needed to make it right with their dad.

Remove all obstacles.

What are the obstacles to clear so we can get to the important stuff?

Worry. Money. Expectations. Self-doubt. Agenda-games. Grudges. Mistrust. What else? What more?

The first step was identifying what the obstacles are, and there were many, however, the biggest obstacle was money. 

It was the primary “obstacle” during the marriage. 

Its truest essence was that it was the manifestation of all the interpersonal deficits that had happened within the relationship. We both failed miserably at meeting each other’s emotional needs.

I had to define what my life would look like from this moment forward. I determined that there would be no obstruction to getting to a place of peace with this situation. There were things I could not change – and he was intrinsically woven into the story of my life, a thread in the fabric of who I am that could never be undone. He couldn’t be undone, but how I responded to him could. Knowing that there were triggers that set us both off, for me it wasn’t a question of “working around it”, it was a decision of elimination.

I chose to eliminate everything that would hinder my direct path to peace.

Take a hard look at yourself – question everything.

One of the things I came to realize in this undertaking was that I was facing the reality that if I chose to do this, I had to go all the way. There was no half-arsing it. I would not entertain any illusory desires. I will not give myself the option of holding cards back; my actions would follow my intention. If the path of forgiveness, and letting it all go was the path I would take then there was no turning back. No snide remarks, no off the cuff comments, no guilt, no shame, no ego trips, no power struggles – just crystal clear blazing truth.

What’s important to my children is important to me.

So, that day I went to pick up my children from visiting their father. He sauntered over, and I waited until the kids were in the car and I told him that we were and always would be family and that I was sorry for all that I did that contributed to what went wrong in the relationship, and I hoped we could work it out so our kids don’t have to pay.

It wasn’t lip service. I didn’t apologize just to lull him into a sense of false security. My guards were dropped, I spoke from my heart and I had no expectation of an apology back nor did I have illusion that everything would be rosy right after that. But one thing I did know as I got back into the car and drove away, was that the first step on my journey to peace had begun.

The next day, he and I spoke on the phone. We’ve been friends ever since.

I am a fiercely independent woman. I always wanted to have the unshakeable certainty of having someone to rely on. All along, it turns out that person was me.

I have been the main income earner in the house for years – the illusion that needed obliteration was the illusion of wanting someone to take care of me financially. My expectation was not met in my marriage and so for me to think that it would be met through separation and divorce was highly laughable and ridiculous.

People are their patterns, until they decide to embody a new pattern. My actions are not dependent on your patterns, but can be determined by your patterns.

Money was the next obstacle to be decimated. 

When it came time to write up our separation agreement, I was in a place of resolve. The bitterness was a scotoma that disabled any sense of balance in hindsight, until I met face to face with the definition of the word “equity” – and observing the effort and care that was demonstrated for all those years of the marriage and for our children, without a monetary value attached – it seemed to be the right thing to do to split it (money/assets) right down the middle. I felt the process was fair, and I communicated with him to ensure that the steps I was taking met with his agreement.

I also annihilated the idea that any expectation of child support, extraordinary expenses, bickering over pennies and moreover, any conversation using money as a way to control, or penalize my children or their father from having a relationship, no longer was a part of my reality. If it happened, great - but it would not arise from my desperation.

So, money is not an issue.

Because I made it so.

And because I make it.

And because no one that I care for (that includes my ex) will lack from my unwillingness to own my decisions and actions.

You might think that perhaps my decisions and choices might be enabling. And yes, I have considered that this might be the case but here’s why it is not.

She asked me “What have you done to ensure your children have the opportunity to keep the relationship with their father?”

My response was – “He is allowed to see them anytime. I haven’t stopped him from seeing or calling them.”

She stopped me dead in my story of justification and excuses.

“I don’t care that you don’t have barriers up for your children to see their father. What I am asking is what you have done to make sure they still have a relationship with their father? You call the shots with their time and their ability to travel – and saying you have no barriers is not taking responsibility. You’re passing the buck. The judge isn’t going to be interested in hearing your story about passing the buck. The judge will want to have concrete evidence that you’re doing what it takes for that relationship to flourish.”

Holy fuck.

She served it to me on a silver platter.

That was the fairy-rocker, women’s lib lawyer that I consulted with. That was my one and single meeting with her. I guess I got what I needed.

I am in no way enabling. 

I am taking responsibility for my decision to end the marriage.  I am taking responsibility that despite my own decision to sever the relationship, it was not the choice of my children to sever the relationship with their father. 

I am holding myself accountable to a higher standard than that of being flippant and stating that things are out of my control because he’s an asshole or whatever bullshit story I came up with.

Now that my children are older, I have taken a step back in ensuring that relationship between child/father is maintained. It is now up to them, it is their responsibility to demonstrate the connection they so desire with each other.

I am no longer the “middle-man”.

Relationship is sacred. It is the incubator to how we see ourselves in our lives; our recognition of our self-worth – and a garden in where our quirks, our uniqueness, and greatness can flourish – or the opposite.

I have learned that if you put a child into the position where they feel judged/wrong for loving someone, especially a parent, you are making them wrong at their core.  No child, no person needs to carry that in their hearts – we are meant to give love and it is when we give it fully that we are in joy.

Beyond all emotional chaos, there was one thing greater that I wanted my children to see and that was no matter how broken down a relationship can become, there is always the opportunity to return to a place of dignity and grace. 

And the doorway to that place starts with a sincere apology.

In much love and GRATITUDE.